Determined at last
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Doing good today! I am not gonna mention last nights dorrito binge... but as of today I am officaly back on track.. did not eat today... don't plan on it either... I walked to work so that was 3 miles walking home will make it 6 and then I am gonna walk my puppy when I get home to make a total of no less then 10 miles... I will then do no less then 500 sit ups... then I should be good.. so I will take a sleeping pill so I can doze off before the food takes back all my control.... and I will not wake up in the middle of the night to eat..
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
wow... ate yummy food last night and today... purged not so yummy... have not done that in a while and it felt way more gross then it did back when I did it everyday.. I have decided to fast again.. I started after I ate my mc donalds this afternoon. What the fuck was I thinking all this work and I am stupid enough to go right back to a size 24. At least that is how I acted all weekend... from now on... no more drinking.. pointless calories... not more fast food.. unless I imeditly purge and even with that no more then one time a week. I would not have eaten at all today or yesterday but the air conditionar at work is broken and it is 100 degrees in there and I was sweating and yucky all day... majorly dizzy.. I did not want to pass out at work so I figured I better eat something.. thats okay it is nicer out side so when I get home I will take a long walk with my puppy and then do about 1 million sit ups while I watch friends season 7... I just got it today! I love friends i have all seven seasons on dvd... then for dinner I will just have a glas of orange juice. then to bed it is ready to start another day with no food... FASTING... that is it..
Monday, April 19, 2004
x posting like crazy but for good reason. I am making a website all about dieting... it is goning to be funny and informing.. all diets and also eating disorders will be discussed as well as support and no judgment. Anyway the reason I am writting is I would like your help making it. If any one wants to contribute poerty art work.. sucess stories.. diet stories... icons, thinsperations pictures or anything email me at passion_4_Parties@hotmail.com
here is a link to the site so you can see the types of things we are looking for..
my boyfriend kissed another girl this weekend while they where drunk i hate that bitch and he sucks also.. motivated me more to fast... not sure why.. regardless I will not be eating from now untill friday no matter what... I will be in a size 18 by the end of the month..
Thursday, April 15, 2004
I feel very very shitty! I have no.. I am tired and weak and pissed off at the world and everyone in it... If i eat i will proubly feel better but i am not feeling hungry.. and i just plain old don't want to
I did so well yesterday it makes me so very happy! After my last post all i ate was i peporoni and 1/2 cup of apple sauce= 90 calories..
weighted in this morning at 253 so i lost 3 pounds sice yesterday.... now I have to make it through day two.. 35 hours a few 100 more to go!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
TODAY IN A NUT SHELL:
a can of chicken broth 30 calories
half cup of peas 20 calories
2 glasses of orange juice 150 calories
200 calories and feeling great... and my fast is still on... now I just need to get through the rest of the day...
which could be hard because i WANT mexican food like crazy
2:25PM - and now on a happier note
I LOVE MY BODY... Yes I am still over weight and to some of you it would make you sick to be my size but I am very very happy with my progress.. I have not seen that much change in the scales in the last month but my pants are all just falling off.. I have a belt that used to not even fit around me and now i am in 5 loops... now that is over 5 inches I have lost... I love to just look at myself and rub my tummy... it is such a high for me... yes I have a long way togo but when i look at all the changes in my body there is no better thinsperation
I don't need your judgement.. I judge myself enough!
I don't need you to tell me what is right and wrong
I am a grown women incase you where not aware
I don't wish to be preached to, or judged
I am aware my choices made not be the best
I relize I may be getting in over my head
but weather I die of be fat or thin
it will not matter when I am dead.
Give me a chance to speak my mind and let me make the choice
I have a voice...
I want what I want and don't want to wait
I want to be a buietiful bride
I just want to loose some weight...
Don't tell me how to live my life
don't tell me what to eat....
I am an adult I stand on my own two feet...
I have been fat for way to long
my body has paid the price...
weather I eat or starve it is to late
I don't want your help now...
you where not there when I went up a size...
you where not there when i ate and ate and cried
So now you come to my rescue well it is to late
I DON"T NEED YOU
Yes I am pissed, I mad, sad , and unhappy
but i did this to myself and I will fix it
I intend to make a change weather it is for better
or worse I could care less
the choice has been made
You say you have been there then remember how you felt
when you where fat and unhappy
I am happy now..
For the first time in god knows how long I have a goal
for the first time in my life I have control...
Don't try and take it away from me...
Don't try to make me cry...
Just let me live and if I so choose let me die
You can just call this a day of Me being pissed off annoyed and darn right angry day...
I am sick of people trying to tell others how to live. I am an adult how I choose to live my life is my choice..
Hell I am told to eat, not to eat, in this country we are even told who we can marry... I am sick of it....
(I do not mean to offend anyone by this)
It is not like I am a child who does not know what I am getting myself into... wether you belive it is right wrong sick or not I choose to get myself into these eating habits and I like them... I like feeling dizzy and thin...
I am not doing it for attention.. I am not doing it for a boy... I am not doing it for any other reason then it is what I WANT TO DO....
Don't change me...
I have taken health class... I have lived on this earth for 23 years and I know food is needed to live it is not as though I am stupid...
You may dislike my chocies, You may think they are stupid but they are exactly that MY choices...
I have made and educated descion...
I personaly think smoking is stupid with all we know about cancer and such... but i don't tell anyone they should or should not smoke I may ask my boyfriend not to cause it makes him taste like an ashtray... but he chooses and as long as he brushes his teeth we are all good
same as he feels about my purging..lol... as long as I brush my teeth...
People piss me off...
12:16PM - Rambling!!!
I am so depressed.. I have not been taking my antidepresiants like I should so I am not surprised by this... I want to add a post to get back on track with my origal purpouse here which was to make this some what like a book/ novel.. any who.. I still feel as though I make the choice daily of what I am doing. I have eaten some days and some I just don't I have cut back on my purging but it is something I do not want to stop. People think I am going to far but I still feel as though I could stop at anytime and plan to as soon as I hit my goal... Once I reach my goal I plan to eat healthy fruits veggies... ect ect... I know how to eat healthy I know how to do this the right way but to me this works so why do something that takes so long... I want what I want and I want it now is my mind set.. I know that by not eating works and it works fast i see results daily... I loose a pound at least a day sometimes more and that is what i want imidiate results... I do not see this as a problem. I hate when people lecture me... Why is this so unhealthy for me to starve myself and purge yet being so morbidly overweight is okay... I weighted 283 pounds when I started this... I had to have serious surgerty because the extra weight and fatty food I was forcing in my mouth damaged my gallbladder... why is that okay... yet... I have had so many friends tell me you are loosing weight to fast it is not healthy... where the fuck where you when I gained all this weight... no one expressed health concerns when I gained over 100 pounds.... no one told me what I should or should not do then but now that I know what I want people show concern... They are my friends they love me and I love them and they want what is best but I can not help but feel this is part of womenly compition... it was okay for me to gain weight healthy or not... but know that I am loosing weight you see it as a threat... maybe someone will give me the fat girl attention for a change... news flash it is happening I am determined and no one can change that
Weighed in at 255 this morning. So I am happy I am back down to the weight I was before easter. All is good again.. now as far as my fast... ummm I suck at fasting I made it to dinner and then I ate a huge salad... however i did not stop there.. I also ate soft pretzels.. ham sandwich, two cream eggs, cake, this other choclate egg thingy, and whatever else I could fit in my mouth... yuck... I purged a few times yesterday.. now my throught hurts... yuckaroo... I also have these nastey rash on my face.. i get it sometime when I vomit... I think I need to get a compact to cover it up cause purging is now a way of life. Does anyone else have that problem? So I did bad yesterday but I still lost.. plus I did 700 sit ups... I could not walk because it is still raining... NOTHING TO EAT TODAY!!!
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
9:14AM - Good Morning!
I wish it would stop raining!! It has been raing for 3 days non stop
I was doing really good walking 8 miles or more day with my little puppy.. but we get soaked when we go out now so we limit it to about .5 miles.. it sucks and i hate it.. I did do my sit ups and all but it was nothing compared to my usual... I may drag my
We shall see!'
Join my contest there will be prizes check out the rules ect at dietingisdeath
Monday, April 12, 2004
10:30AM - Diet has the word die in it!!!
Hello I'm dietingordeath I am the maitainer of the community dietingisdeath. It is a VERY supportive community for any one anywhere who is trying to loose weight. Wether you want loose 5 or 500 pounds! Wether you are doing a no carb diet, weight watchers, you have and eating disorder. There is no judgement, only support. We are a Small group right now but we hope to expand and make it one of the most supportive diet community on live journal.. There will be prizes, cotest, games, and other fun things to do... there is of course anway a bit of humore... hence the name...
so check us out dietingisdeath.
I am so very excited all of my pants are too big.. it rules.. So I ordered like three really cute belts from http://www.vicioustaco.com/ I also got the coolest stickers there... thought I would spread the word about.. since most of you pants are most likely falling down..lol.. I got the dork one and also the pink star.. i am debating on what band I might pick.. i do defintly like the Mrs. Justin timberlake... anyway they are cute.. and cheaper then buying new clothing everytime my pants fall down... cause I am broke and need to make them last as long as possible...
anyway if anyone else knows of good sites to get belts and cute girly stuff cheap let me know..
Saturday, April 10, 2004
and so I said i wanted to loose at least ten more pounds by easter... I am curently down 6 pounds since then so if i can manage to loose 4 pounds today i will be so happy... however i will settle for 1 or 2... I think I will be sleeping all day.. after the party..I do not want to be here i want to sleep in my bed.. i hate work.. i want to go home.. i feel very sick ... i want to vomit..
8:19AM - Good Morning!
Well it would be a good morning if I had went to bed.. i was up all night long.. sorry about all thouse post I was bored stiff.. I am at work now I will be here for about 5 hours and then I am going to a family party wich will be a lot of fun.. i hope.. I feel so gross.. my sister came over and we ordered chinese food... I did not eat it all.. I did not purge after because she is already suspicious.. so instead i got my puppy and me and a friend walked 8 miles... we danced for an hour.. i did some toning and then I did 500 sit ups... I being wide awake when the sun came up went on another 2 mile walk with my baby (dog)! So all is good I do not feel bad about eating however physicly I feel pretty yucky.. I feel all yucky.. Upset stomach... well it will keep me from eating since i feel so shitty and I should defintly sleep well tonight... Anyway... I have not made an offical plan for the day... oh the good news is even with the take out I went down more.. to 255 pounds
I made some really cool ed icons if any of you want some just let me know.. i am working on getting them up so people can use them...
I have made many great icons.. how do I show them here??? will I do it the same way you make pictures show up
I got some great Icons and I had a lot of fun making them
Friday, April 9, 2004
5:21PM - The weekend begins....
and as closing time draws near I am proud that I have made it through the day with nothing so far.. i did have two sips of juice for lunch but it was like no more then 50 calories
10:38AM - THE BEST THINSPERATION
There is nothing more motivating then putting on and old pair of pants and just feeling how loose they are... I have this one pair of pants that used to be skin tight on me.. and now they parcticly fall off.. I have gone from a size 24 to a 20 so it is awsome... I also have skirt i would never wear cause my belly hung out all gross.. but I am wearing it today and i Lovew the way I look in it.. Some nights I just love to look in the mirror .. i stand there naked and look at how much my body has changed SO MUCH.. and it makes me so excited to keep going
WATCH ME SHRINK
nothing tatse as good as being thin
9:00AM - DAY TWO COMPLETE
Okay so day to is as follows...
did well all day nothing to eat. walked 8 miles and did 500 sit ups... at 10:00 when I reached a full 2 days i broke my fast. So i did complete a full 2 days.... wich for me is a miricle.. so I am happy even though I wanted to go till sunday.. I did well though I ate very little compared to binges of the past. I ate:
4 soft pretzels 190 * 4 = 760 calories
half a cup of frozen yogurt= 240 calories
30 freanch fries= 300 calories
half of oatmeal cream pie= 75 calories
total = 1375 calories
not bad plus I pruged so that got rid of most i hope.. as well as I burned over 300 calories so I am not worried...
I over slept this morning so i did not get to weigh myself... but i think i proubly stayed the same as yeasterday...
Have any of you experianced this???
Since I habve been loosing weight and being so body consious I have noticed other peoples flaws a lot... for instance there is a gilr I work with i always considered skinny but since i have been doing this i have noticed she has a double chin and a belly... i think this kinda sucks.. i do not want to be the girl who judges other people cause i would hate to have people judge me.. however... it makes me feel good tonotice I am not the only one with inperfections..
Oh well as for today I am starting another fast.. as of 2:00 this morning...when I ate my soft pretzel.. lol ... i will go at least until easter dinner...
wish me luck
Thursday, April 8, 2004
2:20PM - lunch time update
did not eat lunch. walked/ran 2 miles all i had today was a small glass of orange juice. I feel physicly great right now.. loosing 4 pounds lAST NIGHT HELPED BUNCHES
10:13AM - I feel so great.....
I never felt fasting would feel this good.. I have tried numerous times and never reached day two... Although in comparison to others 1 day is nothing I feel very acomplished... I am not even dizzy or anything.. I feel a little nauses but i think that is from my medicine.. I want to go at least all day to day but I would be really really happy if I can go till sunday.. I think I am not gonna have my chicken brooth untill I feel I really need something.. or if I get dizzy... limiting myself to juice and brooth occasionaly fresh fruit or vegies.. but they will be very limited.
I will have a very hard time tonight because my sister is a very good purswader and she always makes me eat... if i have to eat because of her.. it will be my chicken brooth soup or salad with no dressing... I don't know... anyway.. anyone have tips on avioding her temptaions
8:10AM - DAY ONE COMPLETE!!
I did so well yesterday... I walked one mile.. I did 500 sit ups... I did not eat anything... okay I am lying i did eat a banna at 3:00 in the morning cause hunger was keeping me awake.. however I still feel it was very very very successful.. I have never not broken a fast before so I am happy... all day I had only two cups of juice.. a million cups of water. and 1 banna...
and the best part.... da da da daaaaa... i lost 4 more pounds since yesterday for a grand total of 60 pounds... makes me very very happy... I weighed myself on my parents scale and it looks like my acurate weight is now 257.. that sucks... I was using the one scale and it said I was 219 but i have had three scales now tell me higher and so I will have to be honest with myself and just go ahead and say I now weight 257... now I know I was never over 300 and in order for me to have lost 60 I would have had to be but I am not sure.. and so I will never have an acurate total of how much I have lost but I know for a fact I have gone from a size 24 to a 20... so i do see a differance... and so the journey continues....
I have a belt with loops all around I use it to tell how much I am loosing inch wise.. it is much easier that way... When I started the belt was to small.. now I am into the third loop... so there is a definite differance...
Today is day two of fasting.. I will stay strong even if my sister comes over and wants to get fast food...
How are your fasts going?
Wednesday, April 7, 2004
I am proud of my self.. since I started back on my add meds (they surpress appitite) and been taking my vitiams and diet pills I feel great... I have eaten very little and it feels great.. I hope to drop maybe one more size by easter... i am like at a half size right now so it is possible.. if my family does not relize i lost weight at easter I could very well cry my eyes out... When I first lost people noticed a bunch but now very few... since I have not seen my family in a while I am hopping that they will... when other people acknowlege that thye see a change it helps me relize it is real not just in my head..
So I am fasting until saturday... I started with restriction yesterday and today i am going full fledge fasting... thursday.. hopefuly the same... friday also...
only juice and chicken brooth
anyone want to fast with me
Good monring all of you wonderfuly thin and awsome ladies... Here to vent this morning.. I did well yesterday ate under 800 calories all day and the scale did go down one pound... I am gonna exercise like crazy tonight... My fiance is working so I will have the house to myself...so I can burn off all the things I ateast night off...
HOWEVER I DID CONTROL MY SELF ON THIS BINGE AND FOR THAT I AM PROUD...
2 pickles 10 calories
1 cup of low fat frozen yougurt 200 calories
2 soft pretzels 380 calories
15 frean fries 150 calories
binge total 740 calories
and considering i ate nothing else all day that was totaly okay by me....
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
Now both my scales are broken and I am pissed off the one keeps saying error and reads out over 300 pounds when I weigh myself.. my friend who is also anna weighted herself while drunk on it and did not relize it was messed up and had a nervouse break down... cause the scale was rissing higher and higher and she was at 400 pounds when my fiance pulled her off of the scale so she would stop freaking out... lol.. it was a little funny after she relized it was a broken scale but at first being as she was very very very very drunk it was not so fun.... So i think I am just gonna spend some money and get an awsome scale with body fat mass thingy and everything and I am not gonna keep it in the bathroom cause two of them broke in there i think maybe they got wet... I will have to try new batteries in the one first but the other one is like a lithium battery with a lifetime warrenty... oh well i want one with the fat mass too cause then I can see if that is going down...
So I did well this weekend...
Friday- I went all day the only thing I had
was a can of chicken broth 10 calories
and 55 gold fish 150 calories
saturday- I went to all you can eat breakfast but purged all of that... later i did drink a bit but just shots so the calories where extremly low on that... while drunk i did have a little ice cream and perogies witch are low...
sunday- I had soup 150 calories and I had mexican food witch I purged...
monay- I don't even want to go there because it was not good
I did work out for at least an hour each day in addition to over 100 SIT UPS IN MY COOL NEW AB ROLLER.... so i am not to worried..but i am a little worried
Friday, April 2, 2004
I am so hyper right now.. I just took my first set of diet pills.. I got a genteric version cause i am broke but it seems to be just as efective as the metoblife i used to take...
Thursday, April 1, 2004
still at 223 why will you not move scale.. oh well I am stepping it up a notch... I went out last night and got an ab roller... i love those things... they really help cause without it sit ups suck on my butt hole.. I also got two exercise videos... one is pilates and the other is belly dancing... I am excited to exercise most of the night... no all the night..lol... okay most of the night i will take time to sleep and go to the bathroom...drink some water but that is it.... i want to work out at least 3 hours tonight cause that scale is gonna move if it kills me... I also got another pair of work out pants... what is an anna braclet.. I have heard a little but I am very curious... well time to get to work I will be back
Monday, March 29, 2004
still stuck a 223 pounds... the scale has been the same for two weeks now.. I am gonna have to work harder I am determined to stick to my liquid fast today no matter what I need to see a change before I give up all hope and just gain back all the weight I have lost. Lastight my fiance said my stomach was getting smaller.. made me smile.. My friend who lost over 100 pounds with anna last year gave me a bunch of her old clothing.. My short term goal is to get into these really cute jeans she gave me they are a size 18 I am surently in a size 22 I was is a snug 24 when I began. So i know I am slowly showing signs of going down. I just wish it was faster. I feel like it is taking forever. my friend is getting married on april 16th my goal was to be under 200 pounds by then... it is still possible I guess but i will have to kick but.. I am gonna do some exercise tonight.. I need to get back into that.. I have a gym membership but the one down the street from me decided they where going to close so I would have to drive 30 minutes everyday to get to the gym and considering the gas prices ijust would hate that... I think i might go back to weith watchers.. I will get support that way... plus they don't get on you for loseing to much or anything like that at least where I go and if they ever did I could just leave. With weight watchers it is also good because you pay weekly but you can go to as many meetings as you need so I think i will go like monday, wensday and friday nights... something like that cause i defintly need the support.. I have no willpower other wise.. if I have someone tracking my progress it will feel more real. All I know right now is that giving up is not an option.. I hate that I always give up when I try to loose weight...
and so I am rambling... sorry about that
Thursday, March 25, 2004
I might add just a bit of white rice to my soup concauction cause it has no calories.. did yo guys know that.. it does have carbs but i will exercise a bunch...
In recent events I have noticed an awsome change in how my clouths fit and feel. I have a pair of pants that used to be really tight but now they litterly just fall off of me.. the scale has not been doing me tons of good however I see it in other ways so I am still happy...
8:53AM - head scabs
I have gross head scabs.. it seemed to start off as dry skin but it is just gross now... it is not noticable to anyone but me.. does anyone else have this.. tey itch and hurt.. I have tried medicated shampoo wich help a bit however... do any of you think this has something to do with my eating habits?
And so I have made a plan for the day. I think if I plan what I will eat through out the day then I will be less likely to binge. I always plan my binges so I think it is time to plan other wise.
Breakfast- One cup of sugar free strawberry jello with two cut up fresh strawberries. YUMMY!!! It was good!
Lunch- can of chicken broth with a cup full of peas
snack-(optional) cup of peach jello with ut up peaches
Dinner- Chicken Broth with cup of veggies (not sure what kind)
I will also allow myself one cappicino if I need an energy boost.
This sounds like a lot writting it out hopefuly it will feel like a lot. I am gonna do this liquid fast but i am adding just a bit of fruit and veggies cause I have to have something to chew.. ya know... tommorow I will see what happens fridays are hard because I work 12 hours and it is hard not to eat like a pig when I get home. Everyone at work talks about food all the time... it drives me bonkers. Not to mention there is a lot of stress right now due to these jerky people... oh man.. i hate it
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
I want a body like Carmen Electra... She is my goal.. she is not sickly lookin buy defintly looks good.. I think i will put some pics of her up on my fridge..
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
11:15AM - questions and such!!
I don't understand why everone says when you binge and purge you don't loose weight I have lost over 50 pounds doing basicly that mixed with fasts.. I am just not sure why people say this.. of course I have not been doing this as long os most of you so I am not as knowlegable... and I in no way want this to be taken the wrong way but also I am curious about laxatives. How would laxitives help you loose anything more then water weight.. because it is getting rid of food that has already been digested right??? Do they make a big differance? All I know is I am going to keep doing whatever it takes to get out of the plus size section....
what a weekend.. I ate so much it was a pretty bad. I went out for mexican and went to denny's three times.. not to mention mc donalds 3 times and I also drank many beers. I was a very very bad girl.. however being bad felt so good... I did not even purge any of it. My friend from texas was visiting she has an ED and she knows about me.. she was watching me like a hawk because she does not want me to end up like her. I only gained two pounds though so for all that it was not anything.. so I am now back on track... wish me luck no more then 1000 calories today!
Friday, March 19, 2004
I weighed in pretty low this morning at a whopping 219 yes it is high but it is low for me so I am extremly happy making my new total 63 pounds.. wow that is like one small childs worth. I do have a long way to go but it is comming a long nicely. I did eat a big meal last night but I feel so much better so I am starting again today I have a lot to do this weekend so I do not know how things will go..
Thursday, March 18, 2004
I feel like absolute crap. I was doing fine all day but now I am so dizzy.. so I went and got a candy bar and some chips from the vending machine but it did not help at all and now I also feel guilty. I want to go home.. I am at work and the day is just dragging.. I only have 2 hours left.. and I have pff this weekend so it is cool.. Do any of you ever get obbsessed with thinking about food when you are fasting... I have noticed the last three days now.. although I have broken the fast several times I have been obbsessed with food.. for instance I want nachos soooooo bad.. I also want these burrito things from the place I always used to go to.. Also a chicken ranch burger from Dennys and about 5 pounds of freanch fries.. Plus I wil love to have a cheestake and WINGS.... lots of ranch Dressing for dipping.. and double cheese burgers... I think I have a problem.. In fact I know.. it back to feeling sorry for myself...
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
2:26PM - And sooooo.....
I woke up this morning 3 pounds lighter. Makes me feel good. However I don't feel very good other wise.. last night my sister came over I let it slip I was doing a liquid fast and she practily force fed me pizza... after she left I purged all that was left. I was super worried I would gain because of it but luckliy I did not. Anyway I am most likely on my own this evening so the fast will hopefuly not be failed again... I am very dizzy today been having a hard time focusing at work.. locked my keys in the house and such... pretty out of it.. does any one here also have ADD? I notice when I do not eat my ADD Meds don't work as well.. however they do surpress my appitite I just need to be able to focus at work I will need to bring in an apple or something...
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
11:47AM - Been a Few Days
I have been strugling no matter what I get through the whole day without eating and then I binge at like 10:00 a night even if I am not hungry.. then I end up purging witch works but soemtimes I just don't want to deal with it. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you get past the late night munchies. I think I am not gonna go grocery shopping any more.. I will save money and everything... Pickles are only 5 calories... I might eat them next time... regardless I suck I want to loose at leat 15 pounds this month I need to get under 200 pounds asap cause I hate being so good damn fat.. I have noticed a lot of awsome changes with my body... My stomach no longer hangs
Saturday, March 13, 2004
I am just not good at fasting I went all day and they at 9:00 decided to eat I was not even that hungry but I did not eat much and I exercised all night it pisses me off my plan was to purge but my sister showed up and I couldn't It makes me sad.. at least I ate less then I would have back in the day
Friday, March 12, 2004
okay so after more research and feed back from other people the ed of choice seems to be starvation.. I want to put some truth out there because it has come to my attention the my stats are shifty and I want everyone to know why.. I have two scales... one in wich i started with but it was acting screwy so i bought another my starting weight on the old scale was well ove 270 and now as of today it says 225. So is has been going down down down .. however the new scales although it has also been going down is higher then the other.. I prefer to go buy the scale I started with.. my boyfriend weighed himself on it and he is heavier on the new scale too.. i think i will spend the extra cash and get one of those awsome weight watchers ones with the body fat cal and everything... so how did i do last night...
went home piged out on that spagetti I was craving and I also had so turky blts...but i purged and then i went to the gym and worked out for about a half hour went home and walked the dog for an hour and the did over 100 crunches... The scale went down 2 more pounds bringing me to 225 I will jump for joy when I am under 200 pounds.. not matter what it takes this summer i will be thin I will be in a bikinni. and I will be happy...
My happiness has never been determined by my size i think i would be just as happy if I was 300 pounds although it would suck.. I love the fact that i have lost now 59 pounds because i have so much more energy my cloths fit great I have a bunch of self essteme. Also I have had a lot of postive comment on the way I look. I think now I have a few minutes to talk about why I started this jounal. I live with my fiance and he is around alot I vomit frequently and eat not so frequently I was telling him for the longest time it was due to my galbladder and I felt bad him always confroting me when I was doing it or purpose.. so one night when we where both a little messed up I explained to him that was my way of loosing the weight I am also eating better and exercsing he does not like it but agreed it would be okay if I wrote a nval about it so I decided I would do that here it is easiest for me... I will track my process and thoughts...
Now after dinner he walks the dog and i purge but we love each other and will work though anything together
Thursday, March 11, 2004
so anyway back to why i was prcrastinating about working out I know this is lame but i had nothing to wear. However I did go to targety last night and picked myself up two work out offits. They are pretty cute. I am worried I may not be able to find my tennis shoes.. all I have been wearing lately have been flip flops and work shoes.. maybe I will go myself a pair on my lunch break. I have a late lunch break today at 2:15 i hate it cause it feels like you are never gonna get to take a break but i like it cause by the time i get to 2:30 I feel like why eat now... I am half way through the day however that spagetti is calling me name.. Mary Mary eat me you can always throw up after.. Man I would do it too but yesterday when I purged I caughed up a little blood and now my throught hurts so I want to take a break from it for a bit at least a day.. okay well I am off for now..
11:42AM - opps
Poasted to soon.. sorry like i said I am work so I had to go for a second but I am back... so I think I will go to the market after work and get some chicken brooth.. I am not sure I think I will just go the whole day with just water and ice tea maybe some crystal light. I stocked up my fridge with cold water and the above mentioned drinks so that at least I can enjoy a nice cold drink. I plan on going to the gym after work. duety calls brb
I have been doing a lot of research lately on eating disorders. It is so intresitng. I thought I had an eating disorder but maybe I am wrong. All i know is it is time for me to make that change you. I do not see myself as anorexic.
I see it as a extreem diet. I think the differance between m and people who have anorexia is that I do not want to be 100 pounds I do not want to see my ribs.. I just want to be normal.. I am so big in commperison to the girls I have been meeting and they still think they are fat. They proubly will die if they where ever the size I am. I shoulD HAVE NEVER LET MYSELF GO THIS FAR...I make myself so mad about the whole situation but being mad does not help anyone. So I began a fast today my first offical fast. I am going to go all liquids. However I will not force myself to go very long this first time. I can not stand the dizziness. I hate that the most.Even as I post this I am thinking about the left over spagetti I have in my fridge.. If it was not for the fact that I am at woork I would be eating it right now. Food just controls my life.. I also just love soft
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
2:39PM - so here it goes
So it seems his is something all of you have posted... I will join the team!!
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